“Lord make me chaste, but not yet.”
- St. Augustine

Augustine speaks for many who seek after God. We realize the holiness of God and simultaneously we are forced to recognize our own sinfulness. And in our hearts there remains a flirtation with our sin. There are some sins where, although we acknowledge their depravity, we are still attracted to their luster. There are others which are less intriguing but nevertheless still offer some comfort or reassurance. Certainly no one would admit to enjoying fear, anxiety, or self-condemnation. Still, we have trouble letting go of our anxieties. Why?

The answer, I think, lies in control. I speak from my own anxiety concerning our families plan for the future. We face a new direction that will likely require a change of address, occupation, and lifestyle. I know that God is calling us to just rest in his love as he prepares all things for us. And yet, I feel pulled to embrace the anxiety of the situation, to plan and prepare: to take control. On the one hand I know that God has provision and plans for us and that walking in faith will be much better for all of us. But on the other hand there is a part of me that enjoys the struggle and the striving that planning and strategizing will bring.

This is actually the state of another “love blocker” in my spiritual life. It can be easily described as the unwillingness to accept the love of God. We have described before that we lack desire for the love of God. This is certainly true as a generality. But we also tend to reject that same love when we do begin to desire it. Like Augustine we desire to live a pure life because God is pure. And yet, we are unwilling to accept God’s love to free us from sin because we didn’t want “that” love. But the love of God doesn’t work on our timeframe or in the order that we would like it to. When God pours his love out it gets messy and it takes away things that we weren’t expecting to get rid of.

Seek His Face Always